You've Got Mail
copyright ©2003 by Blind Lemming Chiffon
tune - based on One of Us by Joan Osborne
inspired by Cheryl Clark's parody of same tune

I have always lived in this wooden box.
I'm just a handyman in a house full of freaks.
They don't believe I'm alive.
I may not have a heart - but what's that beating?
Beating Beating

And yeah, yeah, I can move around
And I can pop up all around the house,
But there's just one question they're always asking me.
They say, "Thing, could you get the mail?"
They say, "Thing, did we get mail?"
There's so much else I could do. Could I play my ukulele for you?

Now I don't stand out like my cousin Itt.
He may talk a good game, but I don't like him one bitt.
And that Gomez, he's so suave -
I guess he must be rich, 'cause he's got no job.

That Morticia is such a doll -
I have to come anytime that she calls.
But she's always asking me the same thing:
She says, "Thing, could you get the mail?"
Always, "Thing, did I get mail?"
Though sometimes I comb her hair, she doesn't take me anywhere.
I never get out of the house.
I don't really mean to grouse,
But I'll never find me a spouse,
Unless I want to marry a mouse.

Now I've got this job as a valet,
But they never take me to the ballet.
Now I hear them inquiring, once again.
They say, "Thing, could you get the mail?"
They say, "Thing, did we get mail?"
I will bring them their mail right now
And I'll bring them their e-mail too.
I enjoy doing what they ask,
But there's so much else I can do.
Still, they know I will never fail:
People, here's your mail.

(Chorus of voices, spoken in unison)
"Thank you, Thing."