When I Grow Up I Want to Be Snidely Whiplash
tune: When I Grow Up I Want to Be Peter Lorre by Tom Smith
lyrics copyright ©2004 by Blind Lemming Chiffon

 
The curse of my existence is bad cartoons on TV:
I can only change the channel, or buy high-priced DVDs.
I haven't got a chance with SpongeBob and his pants.
The Powerpuff Girls, that Pokemon and those Ninja Turtles just can't go on.

The Rug Rats are too . . . ruggy . . . they're cartoons with no art.
Bart Simpson's an annoying brat, and Lisa's just too smart.
No, I'll look back 40 years to a man of chills and fears,
Who made Nell Fenwick cry and scream
And still gives children bad, bad dreams.

When I grow up I want to be Snidely Whiplash
And tie Nell to those railroad tracks again.
Oh, how I'm gonna laugh when I saw Dudley in half,
And while I'm doing that, of course, I plan to dynamite his horse.

Who wants to be a nerd like Dudley Do-Right?
My God! He sounds like Bullwinkle on crack!
The last thing that I need is to ride some all-white steed.
I want to grow up to be Snidely Whiplash and tie the girl to the tracks.

When I grow up I want to be Snidely Whiplash.
I'll make Nell love me more than Dudley's horse.
Now, if Dudley married Nell, it would be a living hell.
Love triangles like that of course inevitable cause divorce.

I want to boss around Homer and Rollo,
And sneer distinctly in Hans Conreid's voice,
'Cause when they see me come, the good guys turn and run.
If I could grow up to be Snidely Whiplash, that would be my primary choice.

When I grow up, I want to be Snidely Whiplash.
I'll stalk the Cartoon Network night and day.
They'll find I play for keeps. I'll do in all those creeps
Who foolishly made that one mistake and tried to pre-empt me.

I want to hum that old Bullwinkle theme song
As I'm sharpening the blades of my machine.
There was so much more to gain
Back when evil had free reign.
I want to grow up to be Snidely Whiplash.
I'm gonna grow a handlebar moustache.
I'll be the best Snidely Whiplash you've ever seen.